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Updated: Apr 27

"Forgiveness is the scent the violet sheds upon the heel that has crushed it" ~ Mark Twain

It is true that holding onto anger and resentment will ultimately make us sick. Our thoughts create emotions which in turn create energy. Energy creates our future and moulds our life path. We cannot manifest greatness from a place of resentment and lack. But equally as toxic is being forced to believe that you should be ashamed for having these feelings to begin with. We. Are. Human. Of course we are going to feel aggrieved when someone has wronged us. Anger is an important part of building our resilience and enforcing our boundaries. Anger exists to protect us from further harm. Anger is in fact a show of self-love. If we think we don’t deserve something and feel angry about it, this is our higher consciousness setting a boundary and saying I will not be treated this way. It is not a bad thing. Where this becomes toxic, is when we cannot resolve this feeling. When it becomes detrimental to our own lives.

Expectation that we will either be compensated or the wrong-doer will see the error of their ways, is counterproductive. Expectation is the mother of all disappointment. Healing comes from allowing ourselves to feel every emotion and recognizing that no matter how much anger and hate we hold, nothing we feel will ever change the past, nor the behaviour of others.

I am not a big fan of the theme of forgiving people in order to heal. On the contrary, in my experience, you have to heal in order to forgive. Forgiveness cannot be forced. This is toxic attachment to self blame and shame. You must work through every aspect of yourself and your experiences in order to be stable and progressed enough to “forgive”. Indeed, you may never be able to forgive someone for their actions. It just may not be possible. You cannot choose your pain, but you can choose your suffering. You may be unable to forgive, but you can work towards releasing resentment. On the flip side, some people find acceptance and forgiveness very rapidly. There is no right or wrong.

When I had reason to find forgiveness with someone that hurt me, I couldn't just click my fingers and genuinely feel that. Instead, I focused on being happy and moving forward in my life. I concentrated on the people that loved me and surrendered to the divine orchestration of my path. I found reasons to take the stones that were thrown at me and build myself a castle. I promised myself that instead of being angry, I would be great. I would be happy. I would be free. Because after all I’d been through, that is what I deserved.

Did I remain angry? Yes. For quite a while. Did I forgive it in order to heal and move on? No. I did not. “Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be transferred”, Newtons third law of energy. Like an alchemist, I moved all the energy I had from a place of pain and resentment, and transformed it into success, happiness and love. After the pitfalls, set backs and moments of despair, all I could think about was peace. Building my dreams, loving my friends and family, glowing up into the person I knew I could be. Free from oppression. Then, one day, without ceremony or statement, I forgave. Long after my healing. I didn’t forgive to heal. I healed and one day just realized I had forgiven. I felt another energetic shift in my existence. I couldn’t have forced it or planned it. It just happened.

Your experience may work the opposite way and really, who cares how it happens? What is important is that you do not attach shame to your normal emotions. If you want to forgive and can work around that- awesome. But mostly, I see that you need to do the work to come to that place where others actions and behaviours can no longer touch you. When you are liberated from the suffering. Only you can get yourself to that place. Never let anyone tell you to forgive. But, tell yourself you will no longer be oppressed by others, often now absent from your life. Tell yourself that you deserve to be free from continued suffering. The more you focus on yourself and becoming everything you know you can be, the more you can detach from other people and create the life you deserve.

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